“It’s three weeks in and the talent keeps on coming,” announced joint presenter Dec at the start of the programme. And there was a new addition to the panel tonight – actress, dancer and model, Kelly Brook. That was how Dec described her, but as he got to the end of the sentence he seemed to smirk in a ‘we had to let her go but we’re saying she’s a multi-talent as part of the severance deal’ kind of way. And keeping her under wraps until the third episode suggests she was a special guest for one night only, rather than someone who was there at the very beginning and who turned out to be not much cop. Not that I’m implying that’s the case, of course.

The delights in store tonight, as indicated by the brief clips we were given before the start credits, included more dance troupes, an odd looking chap with metal teeth and, of course, the man who was going to stab himself in the head. Well, with knife crime figures continuing to rise, no-one can say such an act isn’t contemporary…

London was the first location and Clare Morton kicked off the show. It seemed the producers were comparing her to Susan Boyle, as clips of Her Boyleness were shown to an earnest voiceover from Ant and Dec: “This show gives normal everyday people the chance to follow their dreams and change their lives forever. And someone who has been dreaming of her big break is 49-year-old health worker Clare Morton.” Clare then introduced herself and explained that she had been singing since her age was in single figures, including church choirs and karaoke nights at pubs and clubs. Let’s look at these boxes again; singing all her life [check], matronly figure [check], almost 50 [check], less than contemporary image, including hairstyle from a bygone decade [check], pure singing voice that captivates the judges and audience… er, no. Still, at least her Theme from Fame got to ‘I’m going to learn how to fly’ before she was buzzed off. “It needs a bit of work,” said Amanda, perhaps too kindly. Clare can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_sdNWpdFYc

Yi Dao, a lion dance troupe, raised a few laughs but through their ineptitude rather than their comic timing, while Asda trolley pusher Lee Patey clearly took his work seriously as he had devised a whole act around the four wheeled wonders. The 32-year-old climbed into one and performed a presumably self-written song about the art of pushing trolleys, before his attempt to balance between two of them resulted in him falling on his bum with a bump. “He’s off his trolley,” said Ant, with all the glee of a man who had waited years for an opportunity to use that line.

Alexandria Craig was a rather provocatively dressed 23-year-old German Wheel performer, and her act needed a fair bit of space to be appreciated as she climbed inside it, on it and spread herself around it while it rolled around the stage. I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t seen an act like this before. Simon said it was “incredible” though Piers was less impressed, which prompted Simon to offer Piers £1,000 if he could get up on stage to do it. Amazingly, he took off his jacket and tried. “It’s not as easy as it looks,” he concluded, while Alexandria got the first Yes of the show. See her at www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3FooXRoP9w

Alexandria Craig:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 5
Want to See Again Factor: 3
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

After the break the programme moved up to Manchester, the city that gave BGT its winner last year, George Sampson. And oh look, here’s Kelly Brook, with her big face features and push-up bra. Once again Ant and Dec told us that she acts, dances and models, though her speaking voice suggested she wasn’t going to be able to add newsreader to that list anytime soon.

Four 16-year-old girls in short purple PVC dresses will always appeal to some people but half of Twirlophone played saxophones while the other half danced around, twirling batons. It was an interesting idea, but that didn’t make it enjoyable to watch or listen to. This link confirms it www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yzPtpiW4qY

Next up was 10-year-old Hollie Steel who was dressed as a ballerina. “Hollie’s dream of performing on stage is a million miles away from her home life in Accrington,” said Dec in the voiceover. Really, Dec? A million miles? Have they moved Accrington to Pluto then? The music started and she flitted around the stage, like thousands of other girls her age who have been forced to endure the hell of ballet classes by cruel parents. Simon looked bored and appeared to be reaching for his buzzer but then Hollie unleashed her secret weapon, she opened her mouth. She sang ‘I Could Have Danced All Night’ to a great reception. “It’s just ridiculous how much talent you have,” said Amanda. “You were beautiful and lovely,” said Kelly. Simon said he didn’t like her outfit or song choice but then he too turned on the gush, as did Piers. And to be fair, she was good. A Yes. We’ll be seeing more of her, and if you missed her performance she’s at www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY-BY4YNs0o

Hollie Steel:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 9
Want to See Again Factor: 8
Chance of Winning Factor: 10

Next up was Simba Wa Africa, a group of theme park entertainers dressed in combat trousers, who threw themselves around the stage quite vigorously and balanced on each other’s shoulders, to a good reception. A Yes. It’s only a short clip but it can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LyHuUXXgiA

Simba Wa Africa:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 6
Want to See Again Factor: 7
Chance of Winning Factor: 3

We were then shown brief clips of two dance troupes in co-ordinated costumes that also got the thumbs up, neither of which were considered important enough to be named on-screen though, and John Farnworth, a 22-year-old football freestyler, did some quite impressive tricks with a ball – including heading while he skipped – that also went down well. “You are very, very skilled at what you do,” said Piers. Apparently he’s a world champion too. John can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnhyBAj9OuM

John Farnworth:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 6
Want to See Again Factor: 5
Chance of Winning Factor: 3

A few more blink-and-you-miss-them clips were shown, all of them getting the thumbs up, and then we were introduced to the outrageous confidence of DJ Talent. It’s easy to see why he was singled out – dripping in jewellery, tattoos up his arms and a mouth full of gold teeth that set him back seven grand – and although the 30-year-old worked for his dad’s engineering company by day, he said his ‘look’ told everyone he worked in the music business. It said something completely different to me. The DJ/rapper said he was going to perform his own track, which relied on plenty of audience participation: “I say Britain, you say talent, Britain’s Got Talent, it’s the DJ Talent,” he kept repeating to drum and bass backing. Written down, those words probably sound tediously idiotic, but it was even worse listening to them being performed. Simon, Kelly and Amanda buzzed but Piers allowed him to continue. The performance did not improve and eventually Kelly put us out of our misery by pressing Piers’ buzzer for him. Well done love, I take it all back – you’ve earned your corn on this gig with that single gesture. The northern audience seemed to be enjoying it, but then I understand they still consider Peter Kay to be funny. “It was horrific,” said Simon, “but I got to know the chorus after about 30 seconds.” And even though Amanda had buzzed him she said she could see his chant in the charts – please God, no. As entertaining as X Factor gimmick act Chico, but when it came to passing judgement, DJ Talent was given a Yes. Feel my pain at www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ol0PPyQ3HyU

DJ Talent:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 3
Want to See Again Factor: 2
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

It was 62-year-old ex-swimming pool manager Mike Henderson who was next up, and he was going to be standing on his hands, balancing over an inverted knife pointing at his throat. Ah yes, the stabbing man. Ant and Dec, no doubt on the insistence of the show’s lawyers, informed viewers that messing about with knives was dangerous and Mike had been refining his act for something like 20 years, so it shouldn’t be tried at home. Why just ‘at home’? Does that mean it’s okay to try it in the park? Or Sainsbury’s car park? Mike’s arms were shaking with the effort of holding his body up and Simon’s body language and grimacing told us he was feeling extremely uncomfortable at what he was seeing. He buzzed, as did Piers, and then Mike seemed to lose his grip and impale himself on the knife. Simon looked as scared as a little girl finding a spider under her bed, while big girls Kelly and Amanda screamed out ‘Oh My Gods’ and covered their mouths with their hands. Even the cameraman seemed to panic. Well, he swung his camera around a bit. Only Piers seemed to remember this was an act they were watching, and Mike rose back up, triumphantly clutching the blade of the knife in his mouth. The audience cheered but only Kelly gave him a Yes, so it was the end of the road for Mr Henderson, though he can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JkZTmLFSAU

And the rejections kept on coming: children’s entertainer Amazing Stephen failed to live up to his stage name; a rendition of the theme from War of the Worlds by The Synth Sisters, a group of nine teenage girls playing keyboards, was described as “a complete monstrosity” by Simon; and Wild Wayne, a 48-year-old club doorman in a navy officer’s uniform, beat the crap out of a set of drums but sadly he wasn’t a hit with the judges. As the audience chanted “off, off, off” the look on his face suggested he was going to go down there and sort them out.

After that we needed to see someone with a more even temperament and along came a 46-year-old ex-forklift truck driver called Dan Khan, who started to sing Without You in drag. Almost immediately the audience began their “off” chant but the mood changed as their sneers turned to cheers at his tuneless, high pitched screeching. Amanda said: “As bad as you were, and you were beyond rubbish, you did actually hit the high note, so well done for that.” Piers and Kelly gave Dan a Yes, but Amanda and Simon said No, so the dream was over for Dan. See him at www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oLGMEE6YF8

After the break the show moved back to London, without Kelly, and first up was Diversity, a group of street dancers which included several sets of brothers in its line up along with a cute little chap with the most impressive hair we’ve seen on the show this season. Diversity’s well rehearsed act included a neat pastiche of Chariots of Fire and was extremely well received by the audience and judges. “Inspired,” said Piers. “So inventive, so current… I’ve never seen dance so imaginative, so creative, so entertaining,” added Simon. A Yes. See what impressed Simon at www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPcGy77Gru8

Diversity:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 7
Want to See Again Factor: 9
Chance of Winning Factor: 8

And that, rather surprisingly, was it. Those of us expecting the show to close on a sob story act with an uplifting outcome were to be disappointed this week. The whole episode was a little disappointing actually, with only Hollie and Diversity really standing out – in a good way, at least. Was the last series so crowded with dance acts? There certainly seems to be more this year, and I wouldn’t be surprised if someone at ITV isn’t trying to persuade His Cowelliness to back a dedicated talent show for them. It’s not such a crazy idea, as that Strictly thing on BBC is watched by millions and BGT was won by a dancer last time out. “Yeah, but where’s the spin-off CD sales going to come from?” I can imagine Simon replying, with a shake of his head. And talking of head, what’s that annoying beat I can hear in mine… “Something something something, something something some, Britain’s Got Talent, it’s the DJ Talent, I say Britain, you say talent.”

Kill me now.

Susan Boyle has probably received a wealth of offers during the last two weeks and if she chooses carefully she, along with Pebbles, will probably be set up for life. One offer I don’t expect her to take up though is from US porn studio Kick Ass Pictures, which is offering her $1m to lose her virginity on camera.

The opportunistic company has already set up a website where visitors can vote on the title of the film and its president, Mark Kulkis, said in a press release: “We have always wanted to produce a movie in which a bona fide virgin loses her maidenhood on camera. That’s a very personal, intimate moment in a woman’s life. Doing it in front of bright lights and cameras in a San Fernando Valley studio will make it that much more special.”

In terms of co-stars Kulkis said: “We want real sexual chemistry. Since we have no way of knowing what Susan’s ‘type’ is, we’ll introduce her to a variety of gentlemen of different races, ages and um, ‘endowments.’ Personally, I think she and Ron Jeremy would be a perfect match.”

Part of the deal would include Susan recording a theme song for the movie, which would be released as a single, but the offer has an expiry date: “We want to get this movie shot and out while Susan has the world’s attention,” said Kulkis.

This offer has not been widely reported in the media, which is surprising given its current appetite for all things Susan Boyle. Indeed, media auditing firm Billetts has estimated that the recent media furore surrounding the BGT auditionee has been worth over £21m in advertising value. Billetts noted that it tracked over 5,000 Susan Boyle articles across newspapers and magazines, radio, TV and online mentions, in the week after the first show was broadcast and it used the advertiser value equivalent (AVE) formula – three times rate card, due to the increased value attributed to editorial – to arrive at the £21.25m figure.

And although ITV received no income from the 100m YouTube views of Susan’s performance, the broadcaster has recently struck a deal with Freemantle Media to create a YouTube Britain’s Got Talent channel.

Traffic from outside the UK will be ad supported, with revenue shared between the partners, and negotiations are underway with a big name sponsor.

After giving us ‘the Susan Boyle phenomenon’ in its first episode, expectations were unfeasibly high for the second Britain’s Got Talent auditions show. It started with news clips from around the world which featured the SBP, and it was left to one of America’s oldest men, Larry King, to verbalise what many of us were thinking: “That is a tough act to follow,” he said, pointing his finger at the screen like we’d done something to upset him. Indeed – what could possibly be more entertaining than a frumpy Scottish woman with a good voice? A moody teenage girl poking her tongue out? A lecturer dressed in a flag taking her dog for a walk? A parrot that doesn’t talk? A post office worker dancing in a Darth Vader mask? An insurance clerk making farting noises? Cue the titles…

First stop was Cardiff, the city that had given BGT its first winner, Paul Potts, and the first act was the Singing Souls, three extremely young looking girls from Wiltshire. Their on-screen stats defined them as students aged 16 – 17 but they barely looked as if they’d started big school yet. They were confident though, telling the camera they were better than the Pussycat Dolls and the Sugababes – which is rarely a good sign.

Hannah, the tallest one, was their spokesgirl, and we can only hope her parents had promised her a pony or something if she came across like an arrogant brat, because she was pretty convincing in the role.

“What’s the dream, girls,” asked Simon. “Who’d you want to be like, the Spice Girls?”

“Anyone can outsell them,” replied Hannah, dismissing the most popular girl group the world has ever seen.

Although Simon likes to work with acts that are humble, as they are no doubt easier to manipulate and exploit, he also likes those who have a quiet confidence in their abilities. He doesn’t tend to go overboard on swagger though. The backing track kicked in and they managed just ‘You don’t remember me but..’ before Simon buzzed. It wasn’t that they had bad voices, more that they just didn’t have voices – they resembled three toddlers doing a party piece for adoring grandparents. After Piers and Amanda had brought the performance to a close by also buzzing, Simon told the Singing Souls they were one of the worst groups he’d ever seen in his life. A bad tempered exchange with Hannah followed, too tedious to repeat here, which culminated in her poking her tongue out at him. See for yourself at www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_IfdaqIY1A

Next up was 32-year-old lecturer Clair and Cariad, both wearing Welsh flags as outfits. Clair tried to get Cariad to literally jump through hoops to impress the audience but Cariad’s heart just wasn’t in it. Did I mention that Cariad was a dog? “You might as well have just taken her for a walk on stage,” said Simon. See what he means at www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D6mwZpB8eQ&feature=related

Jem Stride had a unique talent. The 25-year-old insurance clerk described himself as a manualist, and by squeezing his hands together he could produce music. On the otherwise execrable Britain’s Got More Talent show that follows the main programme on ITV2, Jem’s gift was given a more sympathetic showcase. His ability to belt out the theme tunes to Eastenders, Corrie and Home and Away to order suggested the judges had missed a trick. Maybe they didn’t like the sound his hands produced, which resembled farts, or perhaps it was his choice of song. See Jem at www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjYs_YOKrhg

The final act from Cardiff in this segment was Zed Van Veen, a 34-year-old entertainer, who put a burning stick down his trousers.

Off to Birmingham, and 68-year-old ventriloquist David Swash introduced us to his sidekick Dexter. They were both dressed like Elvis but they settled on a curiously high pitched rendition of a Roy Orbison song. “Your mouth was wider than his,” said Simon to David. “It’s not as big as yours though,” he replied tartly. The performance can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhuycoPb7j0

And then Darth Vader turned up. Or at least 37-year-old postal worker Philip did, with a Darth mask and lightsabre. After a little chit-chat with the judges Philip returned to the side of the stage to retrieve his lightsabre from Ant and Dec. Ant, rather mischievously, wouldn’t give it to him. Few of us would have blamed Philip at this point if he had decked Ant. Star Wars music played over the PA and back onto the stage he strutted. The on-screen title informed us that we were watching Darth Jackson, not Philip, but as he was only waving his lightsabre around to the music it didn’t really matter. Cat calls and jeers from the audience, bad tempered buzzes from Simon and Amanda, but nothing from Piers – did he know something we didn’t? Darth signalled to the stage for his next music track to be played and the whole mood changed as Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean thumped out and Darth danced like Michael. “The act is ridiculous,” said Simon, but Piers and the fickle Amanda disagreed. “Weirdly enjoyable,” she said. The first Yes of the episode. See Darth at www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxL3Yvf-d58

Darth Jackson:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 7
Want to See Again Factor: 4
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

A group of schoolgirls and students with painted on moustaches said they were a tribute to – no, not Susan Boyle – Freddie Mercury. The dance troupe, called Tribute, performed to We Will Rock You, and Piers said they were: “Great, very original and you’re all very, very good dancers.” Simon, who had buzzed Tribute, took a different view: “Ridiculous. A weird idea, very gimmicky, stupid costumes, terrible moustaches and pointless.” But with two votes in their favour it was another Yes. Tribute can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr2g4mRNbRo

Tribute:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 5
Want to See Again Factor: 5
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

Atilla Iskifoglu, a 30-year-old barman, took his cue from those two guys from the previous season who juggled bottles and made cocktails. Atilla the Nun, as he could have called himself if he’d come on wearing a habit, did the same sort of thing, tossing bottles in the air and bouncing them on his elbow. No doubt it goes down a storm in an alcohol fuelled environment and the audience liked it too. Simon didn’t, and Piers suggested Atilla should recruit some glamorous assistants, but it was another Yes. See Atilla at www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4b6lC9RtMI

Atilla Iskifoglu:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 3
Want to See Again Factor: 3
Chance of Winning Factor: 1

Dressed identically in black trousers, white shirts and thin black ties, six-piece band Bluejam – all aged between 17 and 19 – took the audience back to the 1950s with a rendition of Jailhouse Rock. They liked it too, as did Piers and Amanda. Simon, who had buzzed in early, said they looked odd as a band. Poor Simon. It must be so hard for him having to look at ordinary people during his visits to the UK, when he’s become used to nubile beauties scattering rose petals in front of him wherever he goes in America. Simon said they couldn’t win, so it was a no from him, but Piers and Amanda were having none of that talk. Another Yes, which can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8A2h1DrU9I

Bluejam:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 3
Want to See Again Factor: 3
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

“With Simon in a bad mood it couldn’t be a worse time to audition for whoever is next in line,” warned Dec in a voiceover, to the accompaniment of the Bowie/Queen collaboration Under Pressure. After a dramatic pause, Ant added: “And the man with that pressure on his shoulders is 39-year-old saxophone player Julian Smith.” Oh come on boys, is that the best you can do? Still, at least we were spared the ‘this is his last chance of making a success of it before he goes back to being a binman’ gumph that we usually get on X Factor. Julian looked serious, and we were shown pictures of him at various stages in his life as he told us that he’d been playing for around 20 years. When asked by Piers what ‘the dream’ was, he replied humbly that it would be to play to audiences of this size on a regular basis, which got a round of applause. If only Hannah and the Singing Souls had said something like this it could have all been so different for them… Julian was a music teacher and the sound from his soprano saxophone suggested he knew his subject. It was haunting and uplifting and his choice of song – There’s A Place, from West Side Story – was a perfect showcase for his instrument and his mastery of it. Simon looked genuinely shocked and quite solemn during the performance – probably because he was calculating how quickly he could rush out a ‘Julian Smith plays tunes from the musicals’ CD into the shops. He finished to a standing ovation from the audience and tears from Amanda, who said he was stunning. Piers said he was: “Very cool, all of it – the look, the way you played, the soul, the emotion. We’ve all been completely blown away by you.” Simon said that the idea of doing BGT was to find someone with a huge talent who needed a break, and he believed he’d found that with Julian. “Certain people have just got ‘it’ and that was a beautiful choice of music, you played it brilliantly and there could be something special about you,” he concluded. See for yourself at www.youtube.com/watch?v=tz8BvSiop5Q

Julian Smith:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 5
Want to See Again Factor: 10
Chance of Winning Factor: 9

From the sublime to 43-year-old ex-bus driver Louise Moores and her performing African Grey parrot, Harry. “He’s the best friend I’ve ever had,” said Louise, who had been ‘rehearsing non-stop’ with Harry for their big moment. They were supposed to be singing Aha’s Take On Me together but Louise was let down by her best friend on this occasion. Not a squawk. Sadly Louise’s voice was not enough on its own to carry the performance. “Off, off, off,” chanted the heartless audience, and that was indeed where Louise went.

Personally I find most animal acts tedious – though there was an astonishing act which used cats on America’s Got Talent a season ago – and we were then subjected to dog display team Paws For Thought, who set fire to their equipment and expected their dogs to walk through it. How ridiculous, not to mention cruel – their dogs will probably burn to death at some point as they will have learned that fire is something to lark about with. We also got to see Mark Bucknall and his balancing dog Cindy, and Snakey Sue, neither of which made much impression on the judges or the audience.

But that couldn’t be said of 48-year-old Peter Coghlan, who had been married for 21 years and had two little boys. He’s going to be good, we said to each other, as we were shown photographs of Peter and his family and heard that he’d been doing his act in working men’s clubs for around 26 years. What we weren’t expecting was for Peter’s act to be a drag, but it was, in the true sense of the word. He walked on stage in a long white fur coat and full make-up, topped with a vibrant orange wig. After a good natured exchange with the judges the music started and the coat came off, revealing a belly dancer costume and a very big belly. He jiggled it as he mimed to the music, much to the horror of the audience and judges, and this was compounded by his decision to insert a finger into the flab that surrounded his navel, which he then sucked suggestively. “The lowest form of entertainment I’ve ever seen,” said Simon. “If you think for one second I’m going to put you through, so you can stick fingers in certain parts of your body in front of the royal family, you can think again.” But Amanda wanted to see Peter again, and Piers said he was “weirdly hypnotic” so he picked up a very popular Yes. Peter can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9mtE__GBKA

Peter Coghlan:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 9
Want to See Again Factor: 7
Chance of Winning Factor: 1

We were back in Wales for the final part of the show where we saw 39-year-old David Derbyshire pretend to chainsaw off his own head, and presumably other tricks, though we didn’t get to see them, but he seemed to be a hit with the audience and judges. Another Yes.

David Derbyshire:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 8
Want to See Again Factor: 7
Chance of Winning Factor: 5

Next up was the Debbie Chapman Dancers, a local dance troupe aged between 14 and 21. They were dressed like they worked in a cake factory, with white overalls and hair nets, but they were well rehearsed and went through several costume changes during their very energetic performance. “It was just sensational,” said Simon, and he pointed to one girl who was fake tanned to an alarming degree and added: “And you are one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen in my life.” Ooh Simon. A definite Yes, which can be seen at www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft7FMMBZaZk&feature=related

DCD Seniors:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 7
Want to See Again Factor: 8
Chance of Winning Factor: 7

The last act of the show was a 12-year-old boy from Swansea called Shaheen Jafargholi. We were introduced to him and his mother backstage and, to the accompaniment of the theme from High School Musical, he said he would be singing Amy Winehouse’s version of Valerie. He looked confident and got a good reception from the audience as he began. But after just a couple of lines he was interrupted by the hand of god – or Simon Cowell, as he’s also known to the BGT crew. “You’ve got this really wrong,” said Simon, to the bemusement of the audience. “What do you sing apart from that?” After a pause Shaheen replied that he also knew the Michael Jackson song, Who’s Loving You. “Do you want to give that a go?” asked Simon. Shaheen did. The backing music changed and he belted out his second choice song, to a chorus of cheers from the audience and a more appreciative nodding response from Simon. To my knowledge Simon has never done this before, and cynics might feel this was a bit of a set-up. Why not just buzz him if you didn’t like it, Simon? What if he hadn’t had the music for a second song available? After his performance Simon said: “This is how one song can change your life. And this may be the start of something special for you, young man.” Piers added: “You have just shown that Wales has got talent.” Amanda said she got goosebumps when she saw George Sampson and Paul Potts – both previous winners of BGT – and she also got them from him. A clear Yes, which is online at www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVU4IkzMNIo

Shaheen Jafargholi:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 7
Want to See Again Factor: 7
Chance of Winning Factor: 9

We’ve since learned in the press that Shaheen is no beginner to the biz called show, but the BGT producers said in response, quite reasonably, that the programme is open to everyone. And that was it for another week. No Susan Boyle moments, but a solid follow up to the previous week’s opener. As the credits rolled we were given a glimpse of some of the treats to come next week – Kelly Brook as the short-lived fourth judge and a guy balancing over a knife which he appeared to slip down on and stab into his head. Somehow I doubt that is what will actually happen though…

After just one episode, season three of BGT can justifiably claim to have found its first star, if online chatter is any measurement of success. Just a couple of days after her performance was aired, typing the phrase “Susan Boyle” into Google resulted in over 60,000 results.

The mainstream media inevitably hog the first few pages, and many of them carry more or less the same story. They say that Susan Boyle…

“Blew away the initially sneer-mongering judges” (Entertainment Weekly)
“Stuns Simon Cowell into silence” (Times Online)
“Wipes the smile off Britain’s Got Talent judges’ faces” (Daily Mail)
“Astonished the judges” (Telegraph)

All fair comments, which could equally apply to us cynical viewers, but her performance came as no surprise to readers of The Scotsman’s website. On the Saturday morning before the show was broadcast, it carried an interview with Miss Boyle in which she revealed that it was the success of Fauldhouse’s singing plumber, Andrew Muir, on the show last year which was the driving force behind her audition.

Susan was quoted as saying: “Andrew Muir was fantastic last year and somebody local going on a show like that definitely inspired me to go on.”

The story went on to describe the judges’ reaction to her, and Susan said: “It’s quite an accolade what Simon Cowell said, and I didn’t really know what to expect. I just went and sang. It would be a dream to have a career in singing and to be on the Royal Variety Performance. I’m looking forward to watching the show, although I’ll probably be critical of any mistakes I see, but I’ll take it all in good fun. It’s only entertainment after all.”

And singing plumber Andrew Muir chipped in with: “I’ve known Susan for quite a while and sang with her a few times at charity gigs and local talent shows in West Lothian. She’s quite a character and is a really nice woman.”

We also learned from the site that Susan is the youngest of nine children and that she studied at Edinburgh Acting School in the early 1990s before she was forced to leave and care for her sick mother.

Post-broadcast of the show, when no doubt everyone was trying to contact her, it was The Mirror which had the exclusive interview.

In it, Susan revealed that watching the show back (‘in her council house in West Lothian’ The Mirror added, for dramatic contrast), she was unable to focus on her performance as she was too shocked at her appearance.

She explained: “They say that television makes you look fat and it certainly did. I looked like a garage. It was mortifying to see and a bit of a shock. I didn’t realise I could reduce people to tears and I hope it wasn’t because of that.”

If she keeps coming out with lines like that, I can see a secondary career in stand-up beckoning.

Susan added that she was given a standing ovation when she walked into her local church for Sunday’s Easter service: “Everyone is very nice and it’s lovely when all the kids stop me in the street to congratulate me.”

Oh those fickle kids.

On an online forum devoted to Heart of Midlothian Football Club, also before the show was broadcast, a poster suggested it was worth tuning in to watch the first episode of Britain’s Got Talent for her performance.

This prompted another poster, who obviously knew her, to state – and yes, in these very words: “She doesny play with the full 52 cards like. Remember her well from ma Blackburn days. She was always good to hurl cheek at then get a chase.”

Another poster added: “I seen her chase folk with a half brick in her hands wanting to club them to death! I’m keeping the full story till she gets famous and I an make a wad out of it!”

Well, now would appear to be a good time…

But Susan’s singing prowess was no secret locally. “If you stuck a sign on your door saying ‘karaoke’ she’d be there!” said another poster.

After the show was broadcast, the site continued to be a good source of material for those interested in The Susan Boyle Phenomenon (as her first album, in which she sings a selection of tunes from West End shows, will no doubt be called). The town of Blackburn was being besieged with press, it was reported, and “you can hardly walk by her house without tripping over reporters and photographers”.

But for the show itself, filming a follow-up segment, Blackburn just didn’t cut it according to Piers Morgan. The Scotsman reported that the BGT camera crew were told to shoot in nearby Bathgate instead after the area “appalled” Morgan.

An obviously unhappy Jackie Russell (Are you sure about that name? – Ed), manager of Susan’s local pub the Happy Valley Hotel, said: “They were supposed to come here and film for the show, but Piers said the place was a ‘dump’ so they went and filmed in Bathgate. I hope they don’t say on the show she’s from Bathgate, because she’s not. She’s ours – Blackburn born and bred. It might not be the bonniest, but it is where she’s from.”

This snub from the show brought local councillor Jim Swan out in an outrage. “That’s outrageous,” he blasted. “That’s just not on at all. Blackburn is not as bad as that would suggest.”

Way to go Jim, you’ve certainly sold me on the place.

When most news these days is bad news, the return of Britain’s Got Talent has given the country something fun and frothy to talk about instead of bankruptcies, job losses, MPs fiddling their expenses and wars. Yes it’s shallow, superficial and ephemeral – for example, I can’t recollect who Andew Muir is, despite having watched every episode of the last series – but that’s surely a large part of its appeal for the almost 12m of us who tuned in to watch the first episode.

And there’s already been one winner – Ferrero Roche. Sales must have reached an all time high over the last few days as tens of thousands of us bought boxes of the nutty chewy things in an attempt to get into the Guinness Book of Records by doing eight.

It’s easy to be dismissive about Britain’s Got Talent, and cynical about a selection process that weeds out the ‘average to good’ and just presents us with either stinkers or stars, but I’ll still be Sky Plusing every single episode of season three.

Not because I want to preserve them for future generations who’ll be wondering what we did to saddle them with so much debt, but so that I’ll be exposed to as little as possible of the ITV environment that frames the programme.

I don’t just mean the regular stream of commercial messages trying to sell everything from sofas to soap – at least you know where you are with them and what their purpose is – no, it’s the ‘creative’ house ads that really get up my nose. What are they for? I’m already watching the bloody channel, what more do you expect from me? Dear God.

The one before BGT episode one was a classic of its kind. A group of rather scruffy kids walking along a gloomy beach suddenly start throwing stones at the sky. They’ll have someone’s eye out if they’re not careful. But no, instead of returning back to earth and smashing their stupid heads in, the stones hit the sky and bursts of sunlight light up their less than cherubic faces. One minute and twenty-five seconds after the ad began – yes, really – we finally get the punchline delivered via a cheesy voiceover. And yes, it’s as ghastly as you knew it would be.*

And don’t get me started on the Domino’s Pizza idents…

Anyway, that’s why I’ll be Sky Plusing every episode; to whiz through all the clutter that ITV sprinkles into, onto and all around just about every programme it broadcasts.

So, BGT season three, episode one, and the ultimate prize of a chance to perform for Her Maj in the Royal Variety Performance while trousering a cheque for £100,000. I assume they get a cheque, though the small print that’s flashed onto the screen during the American Idol credits states that the prize in that competition is paid in the form of an annuity over a whopping 40 years. That probably wouldn’t be ideal for BGT’s first contestant, a 59-year-old strongman.

But before we get to him, where’s Kelly Brook? News reports back in January said she had joined BGT as a fourth judge, following the successful introduction of Cheryl Cole to The X Factor in that same role. ITV’s Director of Television, Peter Fincham, enthused at the time: “I’m delighted that Kelly is joining the team and I’m thrilled that, along with Amanda Holden, she will not only bring wit, glamour and an honest critique to this great show, she’ll also keep Piers and Simon on their toes.”

Oh, you.

Not for long she didn’t. She lasted less than a week on the panel, and was ‘axed’, according to the tabloids, because having a fourth judge just confused things. She also wasn’t much good apparently.

Sadly we didn’t get to assess her brief performance for ourselves as she appears to have been airbrushed out of the show. Shame, as I was looking forward to seeing how they handled her ‘axing’ on screen.

Anyway, back to what we did see, and the first contestant to get airtime was Manjit Singh, a security consultant. He explained to Ant and Dec that he was going to blow up a hot water bottle until it burst, and this incredible feat would be followed by him pulling a car across the stage by his ear.

He was as good as his word, huffing and puffing into a red hot (though not red-hot) water bottle until it inflated up to the size of a beach ball. This sequence only lasted a few seconds on screen but I suspect we were just seeing the highlights, as it took me ages to emulate it. Well, there was no warning about not trying it at home…

“I had no idea they could get that big,” said the coquettish Amanda, somewhat coquettishly.

The bottle duly burst, to a great cheer, and then a metal clamp was attached to Manjit’s ear. The clamp was at the end of a rope which led to a small van. Amazingly, though rather pointlessly, he did indeed pull it across the stage.

This got a standing ovation from some parts of the audience, and led Piers to describe the contestant as an “absolute lunatic” though he conceded he found it “incredibly entertaining”. Manjit told Simon that if he got through to the next round he would like to pull a 747 – he got through. His performance can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5cbx2psA3Y

Manjit Singh (marks out of 10):
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 5
Want to See Again Factor: 2
Chance of Winning Factor: 1

Next up was Flippin Bonkers, a display team consisting of four lads aged 13 – 16. They were dressed, rather bizarrely, in superhero costumes, and the Hulk guy had ‘I heart Amanda’ written on his green chest. This was enough to get Amanda’s approval and they were also through to the next round.

Flippin Bonkers:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 2
Want to See Again Factor: 3
Chance of Winning Factor: 1

Max Beecher, a 22-year-old circus performer, walked onto the stage all early David Essex hair and spangled orange shirt, and he bent over backwards to please the audience and judges. No, he really did, as his act consisted of contorting his body into a series of unorthodox positions. “Horrifically compelling,” said Piers, and Max got through to the next round.

Max Beecher:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 3
Want to See Again Factor: 2
Chance of Winning Factor: 1

The intriguingly-named A Cherry On Top consisted of five female dancers aged 19 – 30 doing the can-can in burlesque frills. These girls could really move, backflipping across the stage and climaxing their performance with the splits. “Absolutely terrific,” said Piers. “Bloody fantastic,” agreed Simon, and another act joined the yes pile.

A Cherry On Top:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 4
Want to See Again Factor: 6
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

After this burst of glamour came a 40-year-old Greek Cypriot man, Demetrios Demetriou and his 12-year-old son Lagi. They explained to Ant and Dec that they would be bringing the art of Greek dancing to the competition. The two walked on stage to introduce themselves. “Does it worry you that you might end up looking like your Dad?” asked Piers rather rudely. There was already a family resemblance in the body shape department – if they’d been female they would have been described as curvaceous – but Dad had no hair worth speaking of. “I’m not obliged to answer that,” the loyal son replied. The act did not start promisingly, with an off-stage voiceover, which sounded like Dad, telling the story of a man who loved to dance, a Mr Stavros Flatly… Tattooed and topless, with a blonde wig and headband covering his bald head, he exploded onto the stage to the sound of Riverdance-style music. Amazingly, he could really dance, and then his son – similarly topless and bewigged – ran out to join him. Together they performed an astonishing Irish dance routine that was that rarest of things, technically faultless yet riotously funny at the same time due to the incongruous appearance of the performers. The notoriously hard to please Simon Cowell called it: “One of my favourite ever dance acts.” Stavros Flatly can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4fPHt0FjEU

Stavros Flatly:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 8
Want to See Again Factor: 8
Chance of Winning Factor: 7

After a commercial break, the programme relocated to Glasgow. Betty Delight, a rather sexy female clown was first up, but she was buzzered off, seemingly within seconds. Happy Feet, a dance troupe of young teenagers dressed like penguins, also failed to capture the judges’ hearts. But three students called Drums ‘n’ Roses, which consisted of two drummers and a bagpipes player, did make it through, despite Simon stating: “They can’t win, won’t win and nobody will vote for them.”

Drums ‘n’ Roses:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 4
Want to See Again Factor: 4
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

To the accompaniment of the Rocky theme tune we were then introduced to James, a rather serious 33-year-old from Dunfermline. He wasn’t just here to pass an audition, he was here to break a record. And not just any old record either, he was here to break the Guinness World Record for eating Ferrero Roche chocolates in a minute. Apparently the record was seven, and he was going for eight. He told Ant and Dec he’d been practicing for the last six or seven months, so expectations were high, but in what was probably one of the longest minutes in the lives of everybody watching James failed. Miserably. He managed to consume just four. Ant, watching from the side of the stage, did five in the same period. “Nobody wants to see this again,” said Simon, and he was probably right. But just in case, here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3o7jRLr14g

The rejections kept on coming, with impressionist Edmund Gaw, miming puppeteer Joanne Grav and the rather unsteady unicyclist Jason Auld all getting buzzed off. Then just when it seems things couldn’t get any worse, Ant and Dec introduced us to 47-year-old unemployed Susan Boyle. Imagine a nun, after 20 years in a convent, getting dressed to go to dinner with an ageing aunt, and adding additional hair to her eyebrows. Susan told us she lived on her own with her cat, Pebbles, and that she’d never been married, or even kissed. She’d always wanted to perform in front of a large audience, she said, and as she walked out on stage there couldn’t have been a viewer expecting any outcome other than a train wreck. When Simon asked her age, and she told him, his face – and the audience’s audible reaction – suggested mild surprise, to say the least. When asked what the dream was, Susan said she was trying to be a professional singer, and again the audience reacted with ‘She’s having a laugh’ looks at each other. But then she sang. The judges’ instantly broke out into huge grins and the audience rose as one as she belted out I Dreamed A Dream. At the end, Piers said her performance had given him the biggest surprise he’d had in three years of being on the show. He called it “stunning, an incredible performance”, Amanda said it was a “complete privilege” to listen to her, while Simon said he’d known the minute she walked out that he was going to hear something extraordinary. It really was a Paul Potts moment. Susan’s performance can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Susan Boyle:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 10
Want to See Again Factor: 10
Chance of Winning Factor: 10

How do you follow that? With a commercial break, of course. This is ITV, after all. We were back in London now, and first up was call centre worker Antoinette Akudolu. All she had on stage with her was a rope, but she worked it like a seasoned pole dancer, bringing grimaces to the judges’ faces as she plummeted down it. Another yes.

Antoinette Akudolu:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 6
Want to See Again Factor: 5
Chance of Winning Factor: 4

Andrew Archeos, a 21-year-old student, seemed far too casual to be a serious singer but out of his mouth came an astonishingly mature and pure operatic voice. He deserved far more airtime than the miserly 25 seconds he was given. ITV needs three times as long as that just to get to the point in its house adverts. A yes, obviously.

Andrew Archeos:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 8
Want to See Again Factor: 8
Chance of Winning Factor: 8

Presumably it was the continuity team’s day off when the programme was stitched together, as the very next act – a display team – saw Simon’s T-shirt change into a white collared shirt, topped with a jacket. Another yes.

All Stars Display Team:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 4
Want to See Again Factor: 4
Chance of Winning Factor: 3

Some light relief was injected into the proceedings by 60-year-old telephone engineer Andy Demetriou, whose idol was dance king Gene Kelly. You wouldn’t have thought it though, as he more or less stood in the same position while waving his arms around to Michael Jackson. Three buzzes later and the act was over. Or at least it should have been. It was “appalling” according to Amanda, but Andy just started waving again, refusing to leave the stage. Ant and Dec mischievously fired his music back up, further encouraging him, before dancing onto the stage themselves to drag him off. What a hoot. Did it deserve nearly five minutes of airtime though? In a word. no. As you can see here, if you really must kill some time  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwl_TsxJQZ8

The Challock Hoofers, a tap dance troupe, failed to make the cut, as did Phil Norton who danced on rollerskates. Bradley Scarr and Jamie Ann Donald, two dancers from up north were on next. “One of the worst dance acts we’ve had on this show,” said Simon. “Well why don’t you come up here and try it then?” retorted a feisty Jamie Ann.

Bloody dancers. Indeed, a cutaway to the judges on a break saw Simon say: “I’m getting bored during these dance acts now, I’ve seen so many of these people.”

But he hadn’t seen Flawless, a slick looking group of friends from North London who had been together for four years and said they practiced every day. And boy did it show. Dressed identically, in black suit and tie with white shirts, it was like watching the second Matrix film, where the same person appears in multiple places at the same time. Another standing ovation from the audience and uniformly gushing comments from the judges. Flawless can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GrOMLylvhQ

Flawless:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 8
Want to See Again Factor: 9
Chance of Winning Factor: 8

Another break and the programme returned with Birmingham as its host city. First up was Gwyneth Marichi, a 57-year-old stand-up who came dressed as a witch. A rather uncomfortable exchange with Ant and Dec preceded her entrance onto the stage and she just didn’t click with the audience or the judges either – see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq7uA_clzI8 Neither did Adrian Pirate, a street performer who cut things with a chainsaw, while two students dancing in a cow costume and an observational comedy act also held little appeal.

But then we got a family singing group called Good Evans. Mum and Dad were okay, the twin six-year-old girls were cute but it was Elliot, the teenage son, who was the real star. This point was picked up on by the judges, who suggested the parents should take an off-stage role, but Good Evans still got a yes as a group. If they are to progress any further though, the girls will probably just end up as backing singers to Elliot – as Simon suggested – and the oldies will have been airbrushed out of the picture altogether, like Kelly Brook. Good Evans can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4JXECcPMSE

Good Evans:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 5
Want to See Again Factor: 5
Chance of Winning Factor: 5

After another break we returned with a cheerleading dance troupe called Coventry Dynamite, who got a yes from the judges and a standing ovation, though we viewers didn’t really get much chance to see what the fuss was all about.

Coventry Dynamite:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 4
Want to See Again Factor: 5
Chance of Winning Factor: 3

Then we got to see Andy and Ben Roberts, two used car dealers in rat pack attire singing Me and My Shadow. They were okay, though nothing really special. Simon said they had the likeability factor, but again, we didn’t really get the opportunity to see what the judges had seen.

Andy and Ben Roberts:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 3
Want to See Again Factor: 3
Chance of Winning Factor: 3

Rapture was yet another dance troupe of young people, but here the age of its youngest member was just five. They might have been quite good, but the producers clearly weren’t over enamoured with them as they had just seconds of air time.

Rapture:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 2
Want to See Again Factor: 3
Chance of Winning Factor: 3

And then we came to our final contestant. Reality show convention dictates that the last person we see during the audition stage has something of a back story, usually tinged with misfortune or even tragedy, which we get to hear about while Coldplay or something equally turgid plays in the background. She was a 35-year-old housewife called Fabia Cerra, who had dreamed of being a dancer when she was younger. She obviously had talent back then, as she was a disco dancing world champion by the time she was 16. We even got to see an archive film clip of her, much younger and slimmer, moving like she was made of jelly. Now, she was on the show to inspire others of her age who had given up on the dreams of their youth when life got in the way. She walked confidently onto the stage and the music started… Now I was expecting her to be good, spectacularly so given her slot on the programme and her past, but what I was not expecting was the music to be The Stripper, and for her to get her ample charms out. This being ITV, we didn’t get to see them of course, but the reaction of the judges and audience convinced me they were out and dancing about. She got a standing ovation from the judges and many parts of the audience. “You are my kind of woman,” said Piers. “I absolutely adore you,” added Simon. She got a yes. Fabia’s dance can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNy0wQBWzbU

Fabia Cerra:
Gosh, What a Surprise Factor: 10
Want to See Again Factor: 10
Chance of Winning Factor: 2

And that was that. A very strong first episode, which played about with viewer expectations and ended on a particularly uproarious note. At least four of the acts featured in this episode would be worthy finalists, and we might have even seen the winner already. Then again, the producers are too experienced to have hit us with their best shots this early. Either way, season three of Britain’s Got Talent is going to be fascinating viewing over the next couple of months. Even if it is on bloody ITV.

* The punchline was ‘Imagine being able to make the sun shine whenever you want. ITV 1, the brighter side’.